Author: soppymags

When you think it’s all going so well… a global pandemic throws a spanner in the works

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So firstly I feel like I need to apologise for the misleading title of my blog, it’s called bipolar & my wife but we are not actually married yet.

We got engaged on 24th June 2018 on the sea front which was honestly the best day of my life.

If you’ve read my other posts you will already know the rocky road it has taken to get to this point. If you haven’t read my previous posts (shame on you!) let me break it down into bullet points and get you up to speed.

Age 17 – thought I might be gay.

Age 17 to 23 – took lots of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol to ignore the fact that I might be gay

Age 23 – planned my suicide and wrote my note, put on medication and tried to get better

Age 25 – Accepted I was a massive gay

Age 25 and a half – Downloaded an app called project toe to speak with people that might understand or be able to give some advice. Met a girl on there that lived just 15 miles away. Met, fell in love and moved in.

Age 26 and a half – asked her parent for the blessing to marry her, they told me no and accused my partner of being ill

Age 27 – got secretly engaged, told her family after 2 months and they didn’t speak to us for a year.

Ok, you are all caught up… I did warn you that our road was rocky! So we planned our wedding, count down was on 591 days and counting! We counted down the years, then the months and then the weeks.

5 weeks before our wedding: our family business floods from the crazy weather we had in February, worked non stop to try and get back up and running. Finally got to a good place and we could look forward to our wedding again.

3 weeks before our wedding: 26 people have dropped out

11 days before our wedding: the country is put on lockdown meaning all of that waiting and excitement was gone. Our wedding has been cancelled. This was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing to happen after the fight we had been through just to be together, it was all for nothing.

Except it wasn’t, we had to look for a silver lining in all of this happening, we had been so wrapped up in the wedding day being perfect, where the flowers were going, how many candles on the table, whether the hair and make up person was going to have enough time, making sure the menu was right. None of it mattered. In the few days before the lockdown we had a feeling that it was going to happen and all I could think was ‘I don’t care if I have to walk down the aisle in tracksuit bottoms, my hair a mess, no guests, no food. Just please let me marry her’

We evaluated what mattered in life, and for us it was that we were together.

Life is going to get unbelievably shit sometimes, trust me I know this more than most, but you have to find the good in it. If you don’t learn from it then it really will be for nothing.

One day I will marry my soulmate, I just have to wait a little bit longer than I expected.

Everyone needs to look at what’s important in these crazy times, look after yourselves and your families and just stay safe.

You Matter Too

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When I started this blog, it was primarily to give an insight and hopefully some advice to people who love someone with Bipolar, in my ‘about me’ post I explained a little bit about my background and what led me to the life I have now.

I have written about how important it is to understand your partners needs and illness but it is also important for your partner to understand yours.

I was diagnosed with severe anxiety and depression when I was 23, I had to go on medication which made me feel like a failure, I felt like I wasn’t good enough to fix it myself, and I felt defeated, but at that point it was life or death, there was no choice.

When I decided to reach out to people that I thought might be able to help, I wasn’t expecting it to change my life completely, and I certainly wasn’t expecting to meet my wife on an app for people that were suicidal, had mental health issues and in the closet! But sometimes life works out that way, it allowed us to be completely honest with each other when we met because we were both struggling and hurting in some way, and we knew that neither of us was being judged by the other.

Over the last 3 years I have been able to come off of medication, we have a house, a dog, we are very soon about to start a family, and every bit of it is because of my wife.

She understands everything that I need, she is my doctor when I’m ill, my therapist when I’m overthinking everything, My best friend that knows me better than anyone.

Our relationship is very two sided. We lean on each other and push each other to be the best we can be. My wife is the one with bipolar but I am the one with depression. We support each other and neither of us is made to feel like someone’s mental illness is ‘worse’ than the other’s or that someone needs to be ‘looked after’ more.

neither illness defines us, they are just apart of our lives, albeit a big part but it’s not the whole story and it doesn’t consume our relationship.

make sure you look after yourself and make sure your partner supports you just as you support them. Everything is better when you have your best friend by your side.

team work makes the dream work!

The Quiet Times

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When things are good, they are really good. Sometimes you can even forget that Bipolar exists in your life because your life is so perfect in these times. You sit and look at your life, forgetting the months of tears and worry.

Sometimes you get yourself into a false sense of security that your partner is so well that nothing could possibly go wrong. Then, one day, you get a reminder that it hasn’t just gone away and your life gets turned upside down once again.

Bipolar is an illness that doesn’t raise its head all the time, it makes some ignorant people say, “its obviously not that bad” or “she’s better now”. People in my family have said that “if you hadn’t told me she has Bipolar we wouldn’t have known”. Aswith any mental illness, it’s hard for people that haven’t experienced it to understand. It’s not visible everyday, it’s not like a broken leg or a bad cut. There are not casts or bandages to make it obvious, but they don’t understand that just because they can’t see it, it’s still there.

In the hard times, you have to remember that it will get better, there will be a time that you are both just lounging on the sofa, laughing at stupid things, watching awful tv and eating all the food you shouldn’t be eating (but that makes it taste so much better!)… the quiet times. You will get there, it may take a few days, a few weeks, maybe even a few months. But the quiet times will come. Remember to cherish them and reenergise yourself ready for the not so quiet times.

I write from the perspective of loving someone with bipolar, but my partner writes from her own perspective of someone who has bipolar. If you want to see our life through her eyes read her blog @bipolarandme.

You may not have always been there, but you’re there now

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When I started a relationship with my partner, we had to keep it quiet for a while, as my partner was so conscious of people, particularly her family thinking she was unwell. She was worried about people thinking she was rushing into things and making rash decisions (which is admittedly a sign – see my blog post – starting a relationship with someone with Bipolar).

This and other stresses put strain on our relationship, which caused a break up three months in (worst 4 days of my life I might add!).

The main reason for our break up was because both of us were still not 100% well, we were actually obsessed with each other which really wasn’t healthy. But, the other reason for our break up, at least on my part was that I felt hidden, I felt like she was ashamed to be with me and I couldn’t understand why she wouldn’t want to tell her family about us.

When we got back together, everything changed. We took time to make ourselves better, which in turn made our relationship better.

We faced many challenges in our relationship, and most of them were because other people made my partner feel like she was unwell and that she couldn’t trust her own decisions.

That all came to a head when we got engaged and she finally was able to stick up for herself, she fought to prove she was more than capable of running her own life.

In that time, I had conversations with her family which made me feel that I wasn’t good enough, that I couldn’t handle her illness. Well how could I? I was told many times that I hadn’t experienced my partner when she was ill, I was told that I don’t know anything and that I couldn’t comprehend what the family went through. I was told that perhaps I wasn’t stable enough myself. I felt like I had to apologise for not witnessing her in a manic state, I had to defend myself just for loving her.

I’m here to say, even though you might not have experienced your partner’s past episodes, that doesn’t mean you will not be there, carrying your fucking relationship and everything that matters to you on your back for every episode after.

You matter too, and don’t let anybody tell you otherwise.

An open letter to my wife with Bipolar

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Well, what a few years we have had! We have been up and down but despite everything we have come out of the other side so much stronger.

When we first met, I didn’t think you having bipolar was anything that I needed to worry about… turns out though, that when I fell in love with you it was the only thing I worried about. How would I look after you? How would I keep you safe? Every part of my being wanted to keep you from the heartbreak and hurt that you had experienced before we met and all of it was because of Bipolar, and the thought of me not being strong enough to protect you terrified me.

We know that it’s something we can never change in our lives, and if it wasn’t for your illness as well as mine we never would have met. Even though life before us was hard, it was worth every second of pain. My life before you was empty, cold and nothing but loneliness, then I met you and I saw light for the first time in my life. That is when my life began, and I have been cheated out of the 25 years before you. I wish that at the end of our lives I could get those 25 wasted years back just to spend another lifetime with you (but it’s ok, because then we will be otters)

So the questions still stand, how will I look after you? with every fibre of my being, with every penny I have and with every ounce of love I have to give, I will be your voice when you don’t want to waste your time defending yourself. How will I keep you safe? In the home we have built together with every last bit of strength I have in my body, until my last breath.

I will be there picking up every last piece, for the thousandth time you let those who you trust hurt you. I will be the idiot that jumps around the room with you when you are excited, or cry with you when you are sad, I will also be the person that will carry you when you don’t have the energy to walk anymore, and calm you when your thoughts are going to fast.

When you need to scream and shout, I will be there to listen, when you need to laugh I will laugh with you. When you are scared I will be there to hold your hand and when you need a cuddle I will be there with my arms outstretched waiting.

We both know that you do not need me to be your saviour or your defender, but I will be regardless because I want to be able to let you grow and heal without you having to worry about everybody else and what they say or think, I will be your defender to enable you to come back fighting and stronger than ever.

Only yours always,

Sops

Starting a relationship with someone with Bipolar

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Starting a relationship with someone is always exciting, getting to know each other, finding out their past and the things they want in the future. But starting a relationship with someone with Bipolar can be pretty daunting.

Firstly, let me be the first to admit that I knew absolutely nothing about Bipolar before I met my wife. But, I was willing to learn everything there was to know so that we could make our relationship work. Here is my step by step advice for starting a relationship with someone with Bipolar:

Step 1: Do your research

The word Bipolar is thrown around so nonchalantly that it seems to have lost its meaning. You hear things like ‘oh my god, she is so bipolar’ when someone is referring to someone in a bad mood. When I had no idea about the illness, that wasn’t something I would have taken much notice of, now that I know bipolar inside and out, I will fight to the death to make people understand it, and the impact it can have on peoples’ lives. If you stand any chance of understanding how your partner feels you have got to read up on it, trust me, it makes it easier for you and them in the long run.

Step 2: Know the signs

When you have done your research you will know the signs to look out for, it could be something subtle like speaking faster than usual, or obsessively cleaning, not being able to stop. Now, for someone without Bipolar, that isn’t a problem, but if you see that your partner can not switch off then it might (not always) be a sign that something isn’t quite right.

Each individual is an individual, so their signs may be different to other people. Notice, listen and watch to learn the signs but you know them better than anyone so trust your gut.

Step 3: Be Patient

Just because you have noticed the signs, it doesn’t mean that your partner has. You have to be able to talk to your partner and tell them what you are noticing without sounding accusing, or patronising. Even though you know you are telling them to try and stop it before it gets bad, they may not take it in that way and push back. Patience is key.

Step 4: Sleep is your best friend

Even though when starting a new relationship, you want to stay up for hours talking or doing… whatever, trust me when I say, it’s not good to keep your partner awake for hours. Sleep is so important when managing Bipolar!

So is routine, so respect that they need to keep to their plans or what they do on a daily basis. It can be frustrating but it makes their lives easier a lot of the time.

Step 5: Be ready to make tough decisions

Myself and my partner are lucky enough to have an excellent mental health team that we can call if needed in an emergency. If needed you have to be ready to make the decision to seek medical help if your partner isn’t willing to do so. This is going to be the hardest thing you will probably ever have to do but it could save your partner and your relationship.

And finally…

If you are not willing to put your partners health before your own interests… maybe you should rethink.

All of this doesn’t mean that you can not have a ‘normal’ relationship, it just means that you have to be aware, and please remember that Bipolar is NOT your partner’s identity. I have a beautiful, thoughtful, patient, intelligent wife who has one university degree and is well on her way to her second, that just so happens to have Bipolar. #hasbipolarnotisbipolar

About me…

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This blog is about my perspective of a life with bipolar, but not my life… someone much more important than me, my wife.

Firstly, let me give a little bit of insight into my life before the happy times I have now. I grew up hating myself and the person that I didn’t want to be but knew there was nothing I could do to change it, realising I *might* be gay. At 17, I spiralled into self destruct mode by consuming as much alcohol and as many drugs as I could get my hands on just trying make it all go away. Funnily enough, that didn’t work, it just gave me a massive hangover!

I stayed in that self destruct mode until I looked back one day and realised that by pushing away all of these thoughts and embracing self-hatred, I had also pushed away everyone who ever cared about me. I locked myself away for years still denying the fact that I *might* be gay, to the point that I couldn’t go to work most days and at its worst, I planned my suicide and had written my note. I knew at this point that my life would never get better, that I would always be alone and that I wasn’t worth fighting for.

When I was 25, I FINALLY admitted that there was no *might* about it… I was definitely just a massive gay! Still feeling alone and worthless, I decided that I needed to speak with people that might understand what I was going through – this had to be online because there was no way I could speak to my family, their solution to anxiety and depression was to ‘get up, get dressed, get on with it’. I found an app called Project Toe which was designed for people struggling in all aspects of life, including sexuality and mental health. I would read about people struggling to come out and having all the issues that i had. Whilst it made me feel better to read other peoples issues, I still couldn’t reach out and put my own out there.

But then…

On 12th December 2016, I saw a post from a girl that was reaching out to speak with someone, and straight away I was just drawn to her and reached out… heres how that went:

Me: Hey, How are you?

Her: Hi, Im good, how are you?

Me: Im good thanks, Where are you from?

Her: Cardiff, you?

Me: No Way! I’m from Abergavenny!

Her: What! That’s so close! (Side note… I lived approx. 15 miles from her, this is crazy because this app was worldwide)

We spoke on that app for about 2 days and then she upgraded me to kik… i felt so honoured! We spoke for about 8 hours a day everyday, I was reluctant to go to sleep at 3am even though I had to be up at 7am for work, all I wanted to do was speak to her. We spoke about everything, she told me about her having bipolar and the events that led her to Cardiff, and I told her about my depression and the events that led me to a very rural life in Abergavenny.

After a few days of speaking I finally plucked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to meet up for a coffee. She said yes, which I was so happy about. We arranged to meet in Cardiff on the 16th December, even though I really wanted to meet her, my anxiety was telling me to avoid this stressful situation at all costs. I went from ‘I’m going’ to ‘I’m not going’ at least 20 times a day. Even on the day we were supposed to meet I had decided that I wasn’t going. and then… I went.

We met at 3pm, for what was supposed to be a quick coffee, but that turned into us talking until 1am. All I can remember from that day was really trying to concentrate on what she was saying to me, because all I kept doing was looking at her smile… I was and am still obsessed with that smile!

I went on holiday with my family for New Year that year and all I wanted to do was be at home so I could see her, let me tell you, that holiday was the longest 16 days of my life!

The second time I met up with her was just as hard to walk away, and I can specifically remember when I was driving home saying to myself out loud ‘I’m going to marry that woman’.

I am writing this blog to give an insight into what it is like to live with someone with Bipolar. Trust me, there has been many ups, downs, highs and lows. But there has also been so many laughs and so much love.

I’ll keep you posted…

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu