This blog is about my perspective of a life with bipolar, but not my life… someone much more important than me, my wife.

Firstly, let me give a little bit of insight into my life before the happy times I have now. I grew up hating myself and the person that I didn’t want to be but knew there was nothing I could do to change it, realising I *might* be gay. At 17, I spiralled into self destruct mode by consuming as much alcohol and as many drugs as I could get my hands on just trying make it all go away. Funnily enough, that didn’t work, it just gave me a massive hangover!

I stayed in that self destruct mode until I looked back one day and realised that by pushing away all of these thoughts and embracing self-hatred, I had also pushed away everyone who ever cared about me. I locked myself away for years still denying the fact that I *might* be gay, to the point that I couldn’t go to work most days and at its worst, I planned my suicide and had written my note. I knew at this point that my life would never get better, that I would always be alone and that I wasn’t worth fighting for.

When I was 25, I FINALLY admitted that there was no *might* about it… I was definitely just a massive gay! Still feeling alone and worthless, I decided that I needed to speak with people that might understand what I was going through – this had to be online because there was no way I could speak to my family, their solution to anxiety and depression was to ‘get up, get dressed, get on with it’. I found an app called Project Toe which was designed for people struggling in all aspects of life, including sexuality and mental health. I would read about people struggling to come out and having all the issues that i had. Whilst it made me feel better to read other peoples issues, I still couldn’t reach out and put my own out there.

But then…

On 12th December 2016, I saw a post from a girl that was reaching out to speak with someone, and straight away I was just drawn to her and reached out… heres how that went:

Me: Hey, How are you?

Her: Hi, Im good, how are you?

Me: Im good thanks, Where are you from?

Her: Cardiff, you?

Me: No Way! I’m from Abergavenny!

Her: What! That’s so close! (Side note… I lived approx. 15 miles from her, this is crazy because this app was worldwide)

We spoke on that app for about 2 days and then she upgraded me to kik… i felt so honoured! We spoke for about 8 hours a day everyday, I was reluctant to go to sleep at 3am even though I had to be up at 7am for work, all I wanted to do was speak to her. We spoke about everything, she told me about her having bipolar and the events that led her to Cardiff, and I told her about my depression and the events that led me to a very rural life in Abergavenny.

After a few days of speaking I finally plucked up the courage to ask her if she wanted to meet up for a coffee. She said yes, which I was so happy about. We arranged to meet in Cardiff on the 16th December, even though I really wanted to meet her, my anxiety was telling me to avoid this stressful situation at all costs. I went from ‘I’m going’ to ‘I’m not going’ at least 20 times a day. Even on the day we were supposed to meet I had decided that I wasn’t going. and then… I went.

We met at 3pm, for what was supposed to be a quick coffee, but that turned into us talking until 1am. All I can remember from that day was really trying to concentrate on what she was saying to me, because all I kept doing was looking at her smile… I was and am still obsessed with that smile!

I went on holiday with my family for New Year that year and all I wanted to do was be at home so I could see her, let me tell you, that holiday was the longest 16 days of my life!

The second time I met up with her was just as hard to walk away, and I can specifically remember when I was driving home saying to myself out loud ‘I’m going to marry that woman’.

I am writing this blog to give an insight into what it is like to live with someone with Bipolar. Trust me, there has been many ups, downs, highs and lows. But there has also been so many laughs and so much love.

I’ll keep you posted…

“Life is a series of natural and spontaneous changes. Don’t resist them; that only creates sorrow. Let reality be reality. Let things flow naturally forward in whatever way they like.” – Lao Tzu