Tag: open letter to my wife with Bipolar

When you think it’s all going so well… a global pandemic throws a spanner in the works

soppymagsLeave a comment

So firstly I feel like I need to apologise for the misleading title of my blog, it’s called bipolar & my wife but we are not actually married yet.

We got engaged on 24th June 2018 on the sea front which was honestly the best day of my life.

If you’ve read my other posts you will already know the rocky road it has taken to get to this point. If you haven’t read my previous posts (shame on you!) let me break it down into bullet points and get you up to speed.

Age 17 – thought I might be gay.

Age 17 to 23 – took lots of drugs and drank a lot of alcohol to ignore the fact that I might be gay

Age 23 – planned my suicide and wrote my note, put on medication and tried to get better

Age 25 – Accepted I was a massive gay

Age 25 and a half – Downloaded an app called project toe to speak with people that might understand or be able to give some advice. Met a girl on there that lived just 15 miles away. Met, fell in love and moved in.

Age 26 and a half – asked her parent for the blessing to marry her, they told me no and accused my partner of being ill

Age 27 – got secretly engaged, told her family after 2 months and they didn’t speak to us for a year.

Ok, you are all caught up… I did warn you that our road was rocky! So we planned our wedding, count down was on 591 days and counting! We counted down the years, then the months and then the weeks.

5 weeks before our wedding: our family business floods from the crazy weather we had in February, worked non stop to try and get back up and running. Finally got to a good place and we could look forward to our wedding again.

3 weeks before our wedding: 26 people have dropped out

11 days before our wedding: the country is put on lockdown meaning all of that waiting and excitement was gone. Our wedding has been cancelled. This was the hardest and most heartbreaking thing to happen after the fight we had been through just to be together, it was all for nothing.

Except it wasn’t, we had to look for a silver lining in all of this happening, we had been so wrapped up in the wedding day being perfect, where the flowers were going, how many candles on the table, whether the hair and make up person was going to have enough time, making sure the menu was right. None of it mattered. In the few days before the lockdown we had a feeling that it was going to happen and all I could think was ‘I don’t care if I have to walk down the aisle in tracksuit bottoms, my hair a mess, no guests, no food. Just please let me marry her’

We evaluated what mattered in life, and for us it was that we were together.

Life is going to get unbelievably shit sometimes, trust me I know this more than most, but you have to find the good in it. If you don’t learn from it then it really will be for nothing.

One day I will marry my soulmate, I just have to wait a little bit longer than I expected.

Everyone needs to look at what’s important in these crazy times, look after yourselves and your families and just stay safe.

An open letter to my wife with Bipolar

soppymags1 Comment

Well, what a few years we have had! We have been up and down but despite everything we have come out of the other side so much stronger.

When we first met, I didn’t think you having bipolar was anything that I needed to worry about… turns out though, that when I fell in love with you it was the only thing I worried about. How would I look after you? How would I keep you safe? Every part of my being wanted to keep you from the heartbreak and hurt that you had experienced before we met and all of it was because of Bipolar, and the thought of me not being strong enough to protect you terrified me.

We know that it’s something we can never change in our lives, and if it wasn’t for your illness as well as mine we never would have met. Even though life before us was hard, it was worth every second of pain. My life before you was empty, cold and nothing but loneliness, then I met you and I saw light for the first time in my life. That is when my life began, and I have been cheated out of the 25 years before you. I wish that at the end of our lives I could get those 25 wasted years back just to spend another lifetime with you (but it’s ok, because then we will be otters)

So the questions still stand, how will I look after you? with every fibre of my being, with every penny I have and with every ounce of love I have to give, I will be your voice when you don’t want to waste your time defending yourself. How will I keep you safe? In the home we have built together with every last bit of strength I have in my body, until my last breath.

I will be there picking up every last piece, for the thousandth time you let those who you trust hurt you. I will be the idiot that jumps around the room with you when you are excited, or cry with you when you are sad, I will also be the person that will carry you when you don’t have the energy to walk anymore, and calm you when your thoughts are going to fast.

When you need to scream and shout, I will be there to listen, when you need to laugh I will laugh with you. When you are scared I will be there to hold your hand and when you need a cuddle I will be there with my arms outstretched waiting.

We both know that you do not need me to be your saviour or your defender, but I will be regardless because I want to be able to let you grow and heal without you having to worry about everybody else and what they say or think, I will be your defender to enable you to come back fighting and stronger than ever.

Only yours always,

Sops